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Lost in the crowd
*heavy sigh of relaxation*

Boy, oh boy. Now, I haven't written anything in over two weeks, but it's not because I just haven't done it, it's really the first time I have gotten a chance!

Davey, did in fact, come back into town, and the stay is indefinite. He's been here for 18 days including today and I have hung out with him for 15 of them. From the moment he got into town, he and I have been in party central. We've been doing SO MUCH, I literally am injured from things. I have so so so much to talk about here, I may just save the details for NYE.

I think I am just going to do the bullet points and talk about it as a whole instead. Let's see...

There is the smoking ourselves silly and drinking to the point where I just don't get hang overs anymore. I have driven my car more in the last 18 days since the entire time I owned the car before that.

I spending money out the ass and my diet is invisible. I'm going to weigh 190lbs by the time Dave leaves.

Tons of bowling so far including ripping my pants right down the crotch at the alley.

In Madison I got so plastered that I made out with a random guy at the gay bars, then got wandered around Madison for 4 hours from 1am to 530am, while getting stoned along the way and calling everyone just trying to figure out where the fuck I was, including my parents.

Got butt ass naked with Dave, joe, and Grady playing a game with involved moving the nudity outside for a spell.

Lots of time with Jay, Bryan, Josh, and Gary. Globe trekking around Milwaukee.

Getting into a playful fist fight with Dave that left us in heavy wide spread bruises and then I injured my hip (hip bursitis) to the point where it is really hard to move.

Oh and don't forget about throwing flaming cotton balls around Gary's house.

This is awesome and exhausting and expensive and...

Really what I need. I have gone from being social on average of once per week to being lucky if I have a night OFF from being social.

I do feel bad for Dave though. You can easily tell that he is just spiraling out of control and is combating it with booze, weed, pizza, and hanging out with whoever he can, whenever he can. I'm playing the best friend card of just tagging along all the time just so I can keep him distracted from the situation he is facing. He hasn't really opened up too much about what has been happening, but the little bit I heard is heart breaking.

He said his stay here is indefinite and he wasn't kidding. Like I said, he flew in 18 days ago, and he doesn't know when he's going back again. He has no ticket or anything. All of his stuff is still in Cali including his car, and he just signed a new lease with Jen and Kyle. He might be stuck.

But we're making due. It's so nostalgic. It's like I'm a Senior in college again. We're doing all this crazy shit, hanging out ALL the time, and we're stuck in party mode.

He might be the one spiraling out of control, but I'm right there with him so he doesn't haven't to think about it.

But for real...I'm exhausted and so banged up, I REALLY needed a break. Dave went back to Madison to hang out with the random kid HE made out with when we last went to Madison.

I'm happy. I know he's not, but this is just what I needed.
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A couple of very interesting twists have been thrown my way. Also I promised I would write more. Did you know, at one time, I used to put up something like 5 journals a week? I would love to get back into that.

Side tangent before we get into things too, I wouldn't go usually past a week with out calling my father and just talking. It was going on 3 months since I had a really good phone conversation with him. I really need to get back into that as well. I need these outlets to keep myself very balanced.

Well first thing first, I have decided to take my trip out to Kentucky to see my friend after all. I figure...well it probably wont be much fun, but lets face it, most of my vacations aren't. My Florida trip was a D+, My North Carolina trip was a solid B, first Cali trip was an A, but then the next was a C- with the resulting trip home to see the family a nice D-. So this year isn't really good for vacations, what's another mediocre one? Besides I'll likely never get to see this kid again, and now we have a lot to talk about, because...

Davey is making a trip home on Thursday here to Wisconsin...and it might be permanent. I think he finally sees that he was only sticking out there because of Kyle and now that Kyle is seeing another boy and it sounds like it is getting serious, I think he's finally defeated. Now trust me, that is HORRIBLE. He (was) my best friend and I wish he was happy. But this move is better for him (and me). He's completely broke, so he can move back in with his parents and save some cash. Also it gets him physically away from the proximity to where all his problems are. All of his friends are either here or close by, and one includes me.

It's selfish jubilation on my part, because I potentially might be able to get the best friend I ever had back at a time where both of us really need some one to lean on. I have so many fucking issues that I wish I could talk to some one about but no one fits the bill...except him! I can, in turn, repay the debt because I seriously would like to be an ear for him and his problems too.

It's doubly selfish because I (potentially) gain my second solid "hang out" friend. I have one, and that is Josh. That friendship is back in the balance, because of what happened over the weekend ...

I was invited to go see my old colleague Joe from school, as he was hosting a party, well rather, his gay roommate was. So I took Josh and I decided to be the DD for him, so I didn't drink. That party was awesome. I hadn't been in that environment in a long time and the people were great. It was mostly gay guys and the type I enjoy too. We played beer pong and I went 9-1 with a myriad of different people. Well, after I started Josh with 3 shots, as he was complaining that he never gets drunk, he drank a ton more and then after my disapproval, beer bonged a mix drink which dove him straight off the fucking deep end. He was so drunk, that he was throwing up, and passed out for a good 4 hours. Well during that time, I had a brief conversation that he started, saying things like "You never ask me questions" which I took as "Okay, just say what you want to tell me."

"I still love you"

"...that's unfortunate"

So fantastic. He hasn't gotten over me at ALL. Which is the one thing I was trying to help out with. I ended our relationship and then put distance between us so he could be defeated but also "out of sight, out of mind" mentality, as that is what I wished happened way back when with Davey and Kyle. So now I'm shaky about really hanging out with him (and a reason I am going to Kentucky). By the way, I want to hang out with that party group again, and believe it or not, I have a slight crush on his roommate Grady. but shhhhhh....

Anyway, like I said, I would hopefully get my KEY hang out friend back. He was the catalyst for all the fun I had during those awesome 2.5 years in undergrad college. I tagged along with him to friends places and anything else, and I was so comfortable with him, that my true self got to shine. I want that. I'm dying for that again. Things here are just so god damned tedious. I do nothing all day. I don't have any friends to really hang out with. I live far away from them and they NEVER make the effort to visit me. With Davey being out of a job, and me not having one, we could REALLY help each other out, but not only that, maybe get back into the old day routines of just not caring and having fun again.

God, I hate getting my hopes up like that again, but it's a legitimate thing that COULD happen. IT COULD HAPPEN. And if it did, it would be the single BEST thing that has happened to me since he left.

Everyone is right, when I talk about him, it does seem like I'm still in love with him. I promise to you and myself that I have no love interest in him. I just like being around him because he's fun and was the catalyst to ALL the fun I used to have. He was my best friend, where I don't make friends easily. Since he found Kyle, he's been a dick to me, but even with that, he's still a great friend. I want my friend back.

and there is a real chance I can get him back. So, maybe for tonight, and only tonight, I am going to let my hopes run high, because dammit, I need to cheer the fuck up.

So it's selfish on my end, but helpful on his too, if it turns out that he does move back here. Can I cash in a wish? Please?

Current Mood: hopeful hopeful

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yeah, yeah yeah. I don't post anything anymore. It start off because I was too high all the time to do anything about it, and now that I finally quit, It's because I have nothing really interesting to talk about anymore. Sadly, it is all about that.

I mean, I have a lot actually that needs to get done, and a lot to catch up on, but nothing is really going on now.

I have to get off my ass and start applying for jobs. I first need to talk to my advisor, and I am just procrastinating like hell on it, because I don't think I would be able to stand having a job in this field. Beyond that, it's exhausting even to begin THINKING about it all; all the interviews, all the (inevitable) rejections, because I fucking blow at interviews, and it's all...

growing up. and I despise it, because I just look back to everything I went through during my college years, all the fun, all the experimentation, and you just know it really doesn't get better than that. So you basically go over that hill and nose dive until I can find a new location and build a new friend base...which I am really bad at doing.

But that's the big thing going on with me. Just a quick side note for the later NYE, my father suggested therapy for me, which only solidifies my only thought. Like I know I have some life-crippling issues, my love life and my stuffed animals come to mind, but also some unresolved issues that I have from the past, which, after mixing Kesslers and Xanax, reared its ugly little head when talking to Matt and Josh.

Now, to focus locally in time, I have a change to go spend 4 days down in Kentucky with my friend Matt, and I am teetering whether or not I should do it. We are great friends, I don't think there is any one in the world that actually knows more about me (and I for him) in the entire world. We just happened to become great friends through conversation and understanding. We tested boarders and grew from each other. It actually is a very very special relationship.

HOWEVER...our friendship saw roughly 7 hours of physically hanging out back in 2010 when I stopped at his house on my way out to Chapel Hill, NC to see Marc and Amanda. I feel like I know exactly how it would map out. We both are really bad homebody's. He doesn't really have anywhere we could go and do anything, which would mean it would basically would be just me and him the whole time, hanging out in his room, playing video games, drawing, and talking for basically the whole 4 days. Which is fine, but the financial part of it is what is holding my back, just as much as I know....the conversation would get boring after a while :/

It will cost about $200 in gas alone, as Kentucky is a 9 hour drive from here. Then also I would need to spend money on the drinks and the food, and it's about $300. I guess that isn't totally outrageous, but I am a person who does things on logic, and efficiency. In my mind, $300 for 4 days...not even a FULL 4 days....probably isn't worth it if all that is going to happen is us being locked away in his room the whole time. You know what, I'm going to do the whole PROS CONS list here. Some are....a bit strange, and can probably go back to the whole therapy thing. Things to know about my friend, we've been talking since he was 16 years old. He's 21 now. He's very religious, but he's got the right mind set for having a religious belief, so I have 0 problem with that. Doesn't drink, doesn't have many good friends, and does all his dating basically online. Oh and he still lives with his parents. I'm a pessimist, so let's start with the CONS:

18 hours in a car, $300 out of pocket, only 3 days of hanging out MINUS his work schedule, basically nothing to do besides talk, game, and draw in his room every day/night, family controls him (and also accuses him of being gay at times, and knows I am)

So the biggest thing here, is the time differential. I don't think I am comfortable on making this car trip for only 3 days of actually hanging out with the kid to just play video games and talk. I like actual time to hang out. I spent 7 day in North Carolina, I spent 10&11 days in California, hell I even spent 7 days in Florida. When we talk, we have GREAT conversations, but they only really happen once every 3 weeks or so. How would we talk for 3 days straight? Fine, what about the PROS:

3 days with a kid I probably wont get to hang out with for another 5-10 years or EVER. Road trip. We are both furries, and we both draw. We would like to just sit, draw, and talk one of these nights. Another night, he agreed to drink a little and play video games. That night would be very unique, as we would talk some REALLY awkward and deep things, which I love most about him, and also agreed to hang out in just underwear to do it.

So explanation there of course. I love doing this for the freedom you get out of it. It's one less step than nudist, BUT has all the same philosophies behind it. I love even more so, doing it with people who would never do it. Get them out of their comfort range and build a person's self-esteem. Two people, who are completely vulnerable, but with no judgments from either parties; and that is the freedom. Add being drunk, and you get a completely unrestrained experience. ...therapy...

He promised me he would do that, but he just had a fight with his mom, who is traditional Kentucky values, he should have a girl and be married by now and wonders why he doesn't date constantly. He's bad at it, for the honest answer, but she started accusing him of being gay. Which I promise, he's not. HOWEVER he is so over-controlled by what his parents think of him, I doubt we would be doing that any more. In fact we might not even drink, as it would be fun to see him drunk.

ughhhhhh.....I literally don't know what to do. It's 50/50. I wont really ever see him, but there is no key bulletpoint to look forward to the trip, and the only thing that would be really fun/interesting would be the drinking/undies night, which, knowing him, would no long happen.

So there, I'm writing again, it is something local in time, rather than a gap. I should just write every once in a while, just to get something rolling for a while.

Okay, until next time.

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You suck as a friend. We used to have so much fun and we could just do anything. Now you sit and mope. When I went through the EXACT same situation where you were the problem, you turn to me and ask me to have sympathy for you.

It's not fair. I got burned the first time around, and now I have to be burned AGAIN after I came to terms with everything. You single handedly ruined my vacation and you clearly stated where we are as friend. Some friend.

My other friends are gone and doing their own things or have their own problems. I can't talk openly or freely with my ex, my family, I respect too much to really say what's on my mind, as I don't want them to worry in their old age.

So I sit and fester. I sit and continue rotting from the inside out. I want to talk to ANYONE who would listen and give good feed back on the issues bothering me, but that's not real life.

So I will continue to die from within and just pretend all is fucking peachy with my world. I, like every one else, have a million fucking problems. I just am pissed off, that the friends who I thought I would have for the rest of my life are completely useless when it actually comes to helping me out.

I'm tired of this and everything else. My life took a wrong turn a long fucking time ago and now I am lost and have nowhere to turn for directions.

So I will sit, and I will fester, and rot away until I am nothing left but an empty shell of a human being.

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Obviously my disappearance from livejournal for what seems like an entire year is due to many events. So many that it will be difficult to try and possibly write them down in full detail. I'll just wait for my NYE post and pull out another 30 page requiem.

After it is all said and done, I now am done with college. 7 years have come and gone. I have a masters degree. I successfully wrote and defended my thesis to the surprise of not only my advisor, but kind of myself. I pull that shit together in about a month's time.'

I decided to take the entire summer off since I have worked up north, giving up my social life, for my entire college career. I got to do almost everything I wanted to do, summerfest, noah's ark, all the fests down here. It was probably the best summer of my life to be honest.

Now I have been living with my sister for the past 3 months in Menomonee Falls in her little 2 bed room apartment. I do miss my old place, the guys there, as irritating as they could be, were awesome guys.

I also dated some one for 3 months and ended it immediately after I figured out there was no feelings on my end.

I then took him out to California to see Davey and Kyle, and arrived 3 days after they broke off a relationship of 4.5 years.

But this is all beside the point. Again, I will fill in ALL the blanks, with painstaking detail at the end of the year and unless something drastic happens, it will not be NC-17 rated this time around.

Now I have to start my real life. I have to start trying to find a sustainable job. I have to go out on my own. Live.

It's funny in a way. I went to grad school to give myself 2 more years to figure out what I want to do with my life, and nearly 3 years later, I am no further in that thought process. I really haven't felt more lost in my life.

I still battle all the same problems that I have had in the past. I just don't know what to do, where to go, who to be around.

So I'm still sitting here, putting off the inevitable. I just don't want to grow up. You know? I had such a great stint in my life, I don't think I'll ever top it, and always feel like I've all ready hit that peak.

But regardless. I have the money to sit put for a while, actually about 2 solid years before I run into big trouble. I still need to get my recommendations and resume in order. I'm afraid to go and talk to my advisor, because that was the first time in my life I really feel like I failed at anything (even though I graduated).

I just want a direction. Any direction. But for now, I'll just tread the open waters alone. Maybe, I'll finally figure out who I really am.
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Today may mark the start of a very dark chapter in my life as I seemed to have unearthed some actions, emotions, and thought processes I didn't really know existed in me. It was one of the realistically worst mental break downs of my life and also worst days in my life.

All over a battle I wasn't even sure about fighting.

Wisconsin and snow tend to go hand and hand. Snow and I don't go hand and hand. Thus Wisconsin and I no longer go hand and hand.

Basically, I was disrespected today on the phone by a man who only cares about squeezing out as much money from us as possible. I never got a chance to get a word in edge wise, and when I did, was because he hung up on me.

I am a gentle person. When I get angry I don't act out. I bitch and moan about it and pout. I avoid confrontation, I am a pacifist, I wouldn't hurt a fly.

But today I was thrown into a blind rage that I couldn't control and it scared the living fuck right out of me. In 10 minutes my life had no meaning anymore. I grab a chair, opened my front door, and chucked it toward the glass there. Luckily I missed.

I destroyed my piano, the one fucking possession in my life I can't do with out. It's broken. It does not work any more. I chucked my phone on the ground. I was screaming at the top of my lungs at Ross and my own father, not at them, but to them. I never scream like that.


It wasn't the snow. It was everything else I've been talking about my whole life that decided to come forward tonight after I've held back and repressed things inside my entire life. It all came out in 10 minutes of mental insanity.

After I was done destroying shit I found myself sitting in the snow in my backyard half sobbing, half screaming as I thought about where I was in my life. I tell you this. My freshman year of college I thought of my exact scenario: still in college doing Atmospheric Sciences, not pursuing my music, and having a job I didn't like, all the while STILL being single. Yeah. I thought this exact scenario.

and I laughed at the time.

After I came back inside, Ross was stoned but extremely concerned about how angry I was (the cokehead was concerned about MY anger) and was likely saying something to me, but I didn't hear any of it. All I said over and over was "don't worry about it, don't worry about it". I grabbed my ipod, towel, and took massive hits of G6 and made my way into the bathroom.

Over the last couple weeks, Ross has introduced me to G6, a legal (for now) drug that gets me so high, that once I looked at my alarm clock and Yoshi and couldn't recognize them. I didn't know what they were or what they did. But one of my favorite things to do, is smoke it, go take a shower while listening to Something Corporate and just completely lose myself. This involves air-guitaring ALL over the bathroom (before I step into the shower) and lip-syncing songs with incredible passion. I can't explain.

But that is what I was trying to do. Get there again, because it used to be a great feeling. This time, everything went exactly the same (as every time I do this, I honestly do the same thing, every single time, at all the same parts. It's bizarre), but I soon found myself collapsing to the tub floor and rocking back and forth in a fetal position changing between hysterical laughing and uncontrollable crying every 3 seconds as I contemplated everything that is my life.

It was the most dangerous 10 minutes of my life.

I'm leaving out so much of what happened today, but it's one I don't need details for because I guarantee I'll remember this day for the rest of my life.

Point is, when I finally came down from this insane emotional rampage and realized that I destroyed shit with out remembering how or why; realized how out of control my mood swings in the shower were, that I know something is awfully wrong.

I have to step back here, because this kind of stuff strongly suggest there is something much much much deeper wrong with me and that I should seek therapy or something.

Because if I don't contain this, something really bad will happen in a situation where I next snap.

I couldn't control all my emotions, and now with my piano out of commission.

Oh ps, I also have a fucking cold. That didn't help today at all. Also side note, while I was having the largest mental breakdown of my life in the shower, Ross got so frazzled and was so high that he forgot WHO he was, WHERE he was, and started slowly looking around the house not recognizing anything.

Long story short here kids.

My mind is more fucked up than I thought. Also misplaced aggression much.

Bad news. Bad, bad news...
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Picking up where I left off.

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So don't get pissed but, my annual new years post is late...and FUCKING LONG. 30 pages of explosive writing just happened remembering last year. I suggest you just skip this one as you wont like it or finish it anyway. So apparently it's too long, so we get a couple posts.


First part

Current Location: My life

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Hey! I knew I would get back to writing you real soon. You'll never guess who stopped in for a visit last night. Brooklyn! lol

Man this guy is always a blast; so much energy, like a pent up geyser. Like always, it took a while to get used to him, but once you get him going, he doesn't wanna stop. We hung out for quite a while, like a good hour or so, caught up in front of a fire, just really getting acquainted.

Well then he wanted to kick it up a notch and we ended up screwing around for what seemed like hours just dancing and making music. He started tearing it up for a while too, he was taking care of the rhythm and I was on vocals. We make a great duo.

As always, he's a lot to handle and can be hard to take at first when he comes to visit, but he certainly knows how to have a good time.

He said he might even stop over again tomorrow depending on what his schedule is like. It's too bad he doesn't stop by more often.

Oh the black lights in here, phenomenal. Simply put. It's like you're in a completely different world. Then the sheets on the bed feel like you're sleeping on a cloud. This room is near perfect!

Well I don't want to keep you too long, I should go shower up anyway. If Brooklyn stops by again tomorrow I'll tell him you say 'hi'.

I'm spent lol

This inappropriateness is being brought to you in part by Bermuda Grass.
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I promised I would write to you for about 2 months now. I finally just got around to it. I've been quite preoccupied lately. Sometimes world cup soccer 98 for the ps1 is just calling your name you know?

I just wanted to tell you that I know I've been dragging you down lately. I figure life is meant to be experienced. It's nothing more than that, an experience, only because this is realistically the last chance I have to get away with it, so I'm doing it.

This isn't where I thought we would be either, but you just have to make due with what you have sometimes. I feel like when life is getting you down, you can always turn to me to pick you up for at least a while anyway.

I've seen some amazing things and experienced some crazy stuff lately. What I will do is turn my laser lights on then throw on the strobe light while playing piano and singing. You have no idea what euphoria is until you can feel that moment! I know you play piano too and I think you're good. I think you should start a band or something.

I will say one thing though, time flies by like you wouldn't believe! I'm not kidding, hours just slip by it seems. I guess I catch myself wrapped up in what I'm doing that I don't even notice. I just hope I don't lose too many!

I'm sorry to hear you're still single. That's such a shame cause I think you're a nice guy. I just met a guy and I've seen him quite a few times now, I even see and hang out with his friends some times. He's admittedly a bit older but we click well enough. He just gets me. Sorry, I'm not trying to rub it in lol.

Otherwise I really haven't been up to ...well anything at all. Lots of listening to music, playing video games, just chilling, pretty much doing whatever I want. It's too bad life can't be like that forever. But I personally will be leaving February 15th. I'll be around quite a bit until then.

Again, I'm sorry if I've been dragging you down. You'll always have a special spot in my heart. I honestly wish I could meet a guy like you. For whatever reason, we just get each other.

Okay I'm rambling. Take care okay?

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