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Stress can do a number on your mind. It can make you do things you don't normally do. It can physically alter your body. It will make you over think and under rationalize. It can knock you down in one foul swoop and tear the foundation of your thoughts apart. It can make you second guess every action and every word of every moment and can crush your soul down to its core.
I've been contemplating whether anything and everything I do will even matter. The choices I make for my future may have no impact if the outcome is not my desired destination. The things I leave behind can be forever lost. The time that has gone by will never return...
When you add stress to a bout of depression, you get a loss in faith. Not spiritually religious driven, but a loss of whether the seemingly random processes your mind connects to is even worth trying or acting upon.
There are days where I think I can do things, and days where I know I can't. There are times when my actions seem fitting, and others that make you wonder why you did them. Life does feel very alien to me right now. I am slowly losing all faith in myself, the world around me, and my ambitions based off nothing more than thoughts and logic that run through my mind.
Am I making the right choice by abandoning my life to pursue the one thing I desire? Even if I do fight all odds and make it there, will I be fulfilled? Why am I here now? Why am I in the location I am? What use can a single individual have in a world of billions? It has to be for yourself. The only reason we even bother talking to some one else outside of procreation is to get something, be it goods or gratification in companionship. A sense perhaps that we are truly not alone in our conscious mind.
I find myself teetering ever so closer to the edge of my conscious mind as I find nothing logical around me. The world we live in is illogical based on the standard morals and perceptions that we were brought up to believe. Religious morals of "Love one another", inner-conscious morals of what we feel is right or wrong.
So what is the purpose when you don't want to live in your conscious state? What good will come from it. What good will come from you? What is considered good that isn't based on the populous anyway? In a life where everything fights you for just being alive, what is the point?
I understand I am being overly dramatic here, and trust me I would never do anything "drastic". As there is this one unconscious string nagging at me. This inner feeling that I can not harm the people I decided to connect to in this confusing and seemingly unnecessary existence. Harming myself only harms the people around me. Thus logically, I can not.
I have been doing nothing but second guessing myself and filtering through off and on days for the past 3 months. Again, there are days where I think I can do things musically, in terms of going places and becoming something to my potential, and there are days where I know I can't do it. There are times when I know that not pursuing meteorology further is the correct decision based on my heart and wants, but times where I feel it is illogical to abandon something that will give me a better chance of planting myself in the "real" world. There are nights where I am perfectly accepting of not needing someone to be with, to share my life with, to love, as I am whole as a person and don't need someone else to complete me, and there are nights I wish I was rather dead.
I don't believe in fate because I don't want to accept a thought were everything is all ready set in stone, and we have no choices that were not all ready made. I don't believe in god because I don't want to settle with the fact that one being controls all we know and experience. But what is the point? Why does there need to be a point? Why do we, as humans, have to have a resolution for everything? Why can't we just accept the unknown? Why can't we accept something that is not common between us? Why can't we accept that other people feel, act, and do different things than we can conceive because we can't do them ourselves?
Why live on an earth where nothing fits together? Why are we just puzzle pieces to six billion different puzzles? It doesn't make sense logically, which is all I know. Logic. 'Why does it make sense?' 'Why doesn't it make sense?'
Senseless questions with no answers. Senseless worrying as there is no final conclusion. Senseless actions with no final consequences, senseless words with no meaning. We know what we know because of things other people tell us. We think what we think because of unexplained reasoning with in us. Whether we think for ourselves, or buy into some one else's thinking divides our resolution as a community of human beings.
Losing faith in people makes way for losing hope in yourself. Losing hope in yourself makes way for crushing ambitions of trying. Crushing that urge to try, leaves you no where, which is exactly where we all end up anyway. No where with nothing. Thus again, why live?
It just doesn't make sense and is extremely depressing knowing that we don't know. Knowing that certain things will never change. Knowing there are certain things we can and can not have or achieve in our life times. Knowing that another miracle of life, that statistically should not even be here, is completely dedicated to harm you with out having any knowledge of who you are and how you act.
Knowing that people have the right to oppress you...hurt you...strip the right to be a human being away from you with out consequence......
It really makes you wonder...just what it is...this time we share together...right now...in this blip of the universe's existence...means anything at all...
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Always, and it doesn't change from situation to situation. I thought this finals week was going to be the easiest rotation of finals I have had since my Freshman year. I will have a total of TWO take home exams PLUS an exam where the teacher had given us a paper with 5 possible exam questions that we needed to answer. Add to the fact that my 341 math exam should be a breeze and you've got the easiest exam schedule of them all... ...until fucking 535. This worthless piece-of-shit never-apply-to-real-world, harder-than-fuck to try and understand class, is making this finals week a total nightmare. I am currently sitting around 76% in the class AFTER two take home exams where I got 95 and 100, respectively. Yesterday, when it came to talking about what will be on the final...he gave us NOTHING. He literally said that we should know the whole book and should be able to do all the problems. In his mind the material is easy, where the opposite was proven where the class went silent for literally 20 minutes when he asked us a "routine question" in his mind trying to answer a problem. No focus, no hints...nothing. So if you are like me, where you have absolutely NO idea what has been going on in this class...your finals week just got more stressful than when I was taking my finals during my 19 credit semester. His grading scale is subjective. COMPLETELY. "Your final letter grade will be based off your understanding and mastery of the subject material as I see it." That doesn't bode well for me at all...and like more than half the class. Thus I am left with three possible scenarios. He DID give us two crucial pieces of information and that he "very strongly encourages us to know the problems", thus, the exam questions will be straight out of our homework...which is somewhere around 100 proof questions. We are also allowed one cheat sheet to write whatever we want on there. Scenario 1: Apparently in the past, he normally has his final based off questions from previous exams according to a couple people who have had him before. Thus I simply write down all previous exam and quiz answers on the cheat sheet and continue to fake my way through college math. Scenario 2: Give up, because there is absolutely NO way I could learn the material necessary by Thursday to give myself a fighting chance to pass the final and ultimately the class. Scenario 3: Take all the problems with the solutions and memorize on the order of 100 proofs to give myself a fighting chance for a decent grade. Realize that these are proofs we are talking about, so that would be on the order of memorizing roughly 50 pages worth of material. So which scenario to choose? If you guessed 2: You are wrong. But if you guessed a mixture between 1 and 3, yeah that sounds about right. I will get the solutions to all the problems and cram study like I never have before. Cramming is my specialty. I can memorize great deals of knowledge for a brief period of time. Look at my piano playing. Thus I have my entire Exam schedule filled out. I have all ready completed the exam where the teacher gave us the 5 possible questions (and only did so-so on it). Plus last night I finished one of my take home exams, thus 2 of 5 finals are out of the way, plus I still have one pre-final exam coming up Monday. Today: Get the solutions, and begin to solve as many as possible. (An all day event) Saturday: Same thing Sunday: Depending or not if I still need to do Panthervision weather, yes: study for pre-exam - no: Same thing Monday: Study before pre-exam. Begin to memorize chapter 1-3 problems Tuesday: Study for 341 final Wednesday: study before 341 final. Begin to memorize chapter 5-6 problems. Thursday: Put it all together and hope my hard work pays off. I don't expect this to work out perfectly as something like this rarely does...but even if I can get 50% of the problems memorized that gives me a fighting chance (compared to other students in the class) to achieve the average score. He's horrible on partial credit too. He draws a huge question mark, doesn't comment on anything, and takes off either 2/3 or all of the points. It's frustrating. That aside. My deepening hatred for this apartment is continually growing after the absolute discomfort I had to endure last night into this morning. Last night, I was working on my Thermo exam and just progressively got colder and colder. Our heat rarely kicks on and our windows are a piece of shit when it comes to keeping out the cold air. I was wrapped up in 2 blankets last night, huddled against the registered, and I still couldn't feel my hands or feet. Then I went into my room where this is no register. Even with my door open, it was easily an instant 10 degree drop as you enter. I put as many extra blankets in my bed as possible and went to bed wearing 2 shirts and a sweatshirt. I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't feel my feet, and when I finally did fall asleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night because I was just so god damn cold. So after getting very little sleep, I woke up this morning and I kid you not, it was around 50 degrees in my room. When I crawled out of bed, I got the same shock you do after climbing out of a very hot shower into a cold room...except on a lower threshold. I've been bundled up in blankets all morning and again huddled next to our heater to try and stay warm. This is absolutely ridiculous. Had I known about half of the issues that I've run into coming into this apartment, there would have been no way in HELL that I would have agreed to it. At least it's half over before I'm out of here. I'm just in a terribly foul mood, and all these little things aren't helping. Current Mood:  freezing/pissed
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I'm not superstitious but I'm thinking of becoming just that. I swear to god, every time I have worn these pair nothing but good things have come my way. First time I wore them this year, I believe I got a 95% on my 535 exam and 100% on every thing else that day. SAME thing happened last week, except that 95% was 100% PLUS 102% on another exam. The trend continues, as I got 100 on my thermo, We received the EXAM QUESTIONS to study for my Mesoscale Analysis class, AND didn't have a quiz in my 535 class. There is also a double punch of productiveness that comes with it too. I finished a good chunk of the mass of shit that is due Thursday next week. It's just been a good day academically. Otherwise, I need to hunker down and start preparing for the two exams I have next week + 2 assignments that are due, and then study for finals that follow that the next week. Expect me to be very crabby and elusive in the next couple weeks. I tend to it during all exam times, this one should be no different. Well, no. TWO of my final exams are take home AND I have the answers to a thrid final. I could pull off some miraculous grades if I honestly prepare enough. I've just gotten very lucky lately. In other news, tomorrow will be basically the only night I will go out drinking for the remainder of the year until, most likely, Florida. It's Maggie's extended birthday party as her actual birthday was over the break. Apparently we're doing a bar crawl if I remember right. Not excited of dropping money in a useless bar effort on my part, but will take one for the team for Maggie. I'm sure I'll have a blast once I get drinking. Hopefully I wont end up waking up, ass-naked in my bathtub at 7 having no prior knowledge to how I got there. haha. I'm not sure whether it is just the time of year, the coldness, the snow, or just too long for school to be happening, but I've been feeling really down lately. But that shouldn't come as a shocker to anyone including myself as I've been doing this off and on since the beginning of the year. There are compounding reasons really baring down on me, so I'm trying to overcompensate academically, and it's paying off so far (right? I mean I'm getting 100+% on exams for fuck's sake!) But it's just not enough. It was definitely tough for me to go home and see my family for a week, only to be dragged back here doing something that will most likely have no adverse affect on my future life. But we'll see. I hate the "wait and see" method, but it's all I got right now. Also I think just things for the past have slowly creeped back into my periphery. This year is nothing like last year. But it shouldn't be anyway. It sucks to grow up and everybody does. (sorry it was playing right then and there.) So let me just bitch for a while and I'm sure I'll do a bi-polar and be super fantastic in like 3 days. Just so much to do in such little time...that really doesn't mean anything more than a grade to get a piece of paper. Blah. Stop thinking. It only hurts me. Current Mood:  cold
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It's hard to believe that this break is over all ready. I'm so not ready to go back to school, especially with exams coming up very quickly x_x Uhm, I gained 8 pounds since I've been home. Yuck. I went from 157 to 165. I want to be 160 dammit! Anyway, the main reason I want to write anything tonight, was basically to come clear that I came out with my future plans to my parents...which is basically no plan at all. I told my dad and mom that I am not happy doing what I am doing and that I really don't want to master in Atmospheric Sciences. Instead, work for a year, take the money I will accumulate ($30,000) and just...go. Where? I don't have a clue. I will not have any loans to worry about, and I live off one meal a day anyway. I might crash on couches or in my car or something. But I just don't know. My future is absolutely clouded. I have no real plan other than to finally abandon my fake life I ran for 5 years and start pursing my real love: music. Now I was expecting my father to be like, "I want you to really think about what you are deciding here" or "But you've come so far, you can't just quit" but instead I got, "I can't believe it took you this long to finally realize this and tell me that." So I really do underestimate my family sometimes. They just want me to be happy, and I spent too much time trying to make them be happy based only off what I THOUGHT would make them happy, which was me having a solid plan to get a job and move away from Niagara and not be caught like they were. But it's for real. It's absolutely set in stone, that I am abandoning everything I built up around me, and finally living my life. I could really use some support to confirm my choices, but I've had it all along when I think about it. All my friends always tell me good things about what I do, my dad is trying to set me up with that music guy. God, Davey has told me all of this a million times, and so has Maggie. I told you that I was learning more and more about myself as this year went on. After every good, or rather convenient or comfortable thing I had around me was ripped violently away from me, all my best friends (not you Maggie, I love you still XD), my home, and basically my identity...I came crashing into my own. I still have sooo long to go yet, which is scary. But I'm finally willing to try. MY GOD, I've admitted things, done things, and finally thought about things I was too afraid to do, recognize, or speak about. I am who I am, and I need to do what I have to do. Why did it take so long? Let's just hope these last 5 years had a true purpose and isn't wasted. Wish me luck, because I could end up jobless, homeless, broke, and very much alone and lost. But it's the surprises in life that makes living interesting. No? I heard that somewhere. Current Mood:  scared
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If there was any better decision that I have made thus far in my life, I'm yet to acknowledge it. Not working, during my college career (while taking classes) has easily been one of the most fulfilling and rewarding things I've ever done. It allows me to savor every moment of my passing youth, especially during, "The time of our lives". The reason I am saying this, is I read updates of "Have to work in the morning" or something along those lines, where they are bound from doing what they want on any given night. I've been given the full-on pleasure of only having to juggle one huge element of my life at a time. I am really lucky. It's not to say I don't sacrifice either though. During the summers, when everyone else has school lifted from their shoulders and vacations or full weeks planned with friends, I squarely place social isolation and a job on mine. It's a give and take thing, and I am glad I took the 4 working months over the 3 carefree months of bliss. I get to go to college and have enough money to squeak by with occasional pleasure spends resulting from excess cash flows. I can't imagine how any of you can juggle school and work at the same time. I mean those who work like 40 hours a week and 12+ credits. Next time I sit by myself, bored, I will think of you, and do one act of randomness, because I can with no consequences, in your absence, for your sacrifice.The night is young, we are still young, let's take advantage of it. "You have the rest of your life to work." - My father (possibly taken from somewhere else) Current Mood:  grateful
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Holy shit. To say I was drunk, would be like saying Eric Clapton was only a mediocre guitar player. I had sooo much to drink last night. In fact, yeah, not good because I now find myself in a lot of bad situations. So last night, a bunch of my friends won free pitchers of beer out at Judge's and a crew of us were invited. We all packed up and went to have a good time. The early going was us basically sitting around doing nothing. We moved to a pool table in the back the guys just played for a while. *random fist fight breaks out at the bar* while we continue to play pool. Well then more and more alcohol is imbibed. There ended up being a group of deaf people that were playing pool next to us. They started flirting with Bryan by taking his hat and that whole thing got started. I know a little bit of sign language and started to talk to them. By this time everyone is all ready tanked. Well, one of the deaf girls and Bryan started to really get to know each other and I randomly went out to have a smoke with two of them. Coolest people I met in a while. Turns out that one was a lesbian and the deaf guy they were with was gay. So we just had a fun conversation outside. Well, things start getting blurry from here. As closing time was coming around, we still had 7 pitchers to drink. So I walked around the whole bar trying to give the alcohol away. Ben and Tony showed up for a while, maybe. Ummm Apparently when it was time to go, I wanted to take the pitches with me, so I took 3 pitchers outside and started walking to the car. Unfortunately I was walking the wrong way and didn't realize it for a good 5 minutes or so. I remember an image of me just sitting on the bridge going, "Where the fuck is McDonalds?" (As that is where we parked) I don't remember the ride home, but apparently Bryan, Logan, Amy, and I went up to my apartment and I fed them Topperstix. At some point, according to Logan, the old man who lives across from us, came out in his underwear, and said something along the lines of "Do you realize my bedroom is right here?" When Logan and Amy were leaving. Thus now I have that situation. We will be getting a second warning, meaning if it happens again, we'll have to find a new place to live. Anyway. When I get super drunk, I find that a good way to sober myself up, is to take a very long shower. Well, apparently that must have gone through my head, because I woke up at 7 in the morning in the bathtub. I stumbled my way back to my bed and passed out until 1. I've been uber hungover and further my hatred of bars with things like this. Oops. It was fun, but the consequences outweigh that. Ugh, I'm ready for bed. Current Mood:  hungover
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