I am ever simple
I am just a single hue
no decorations or expectations
to say the least of what was you
and I can sing
such pretty things
and I don't mind if you
hum along
even if it's just so slightly out of tune
if every single word
could somehow make it through
I'd squeeze the air out of my lungs
and spread my wings and scream it out for you

I've said so long
I've said enough goodbyes
I've been so strong
I don't have cause to cry
but I just feel estranged
from the world outside my cage
and I just turn away
from the passing of the days
I can't stand to live this life
I can't get away
from your ghost in the birdhouse

so spacious
this canopy
that I can perch upon
and see from brick to brick
the castles that we've built
and now are gone
and I am certain now
that I can see the end
and toss my disbelief
and make amends
of all this god damn pity spent
on just an aching heart
that never settles in
and draw my eyes down
off of the sky
and halt this flight
and never start again

I've said so long
I've said enough goodbyes
I've been so strong
I don't have cause to cry
but I just feel estranged
from the world outside my cage
and I just turn away
from the passing of the days
I can't stand to live this life
I can't get away
from your ghost in the birdhouse

with half of me already dead
I cannot stand for what is left
the story of a wayward send
a soul to give a soul to spend
and for what it's worth
I sang your songs
I screamed your name
and for what it's worth
I've given up
no want to stay

I wish it all would end
so I could be with you again

I've said so long
I've said enough goodbyes
I've been so strong
I don't have cause to cry
but I just feel estranged
from the world outside my cage
and I just turn away
from the passing of the days
I can't stand to live this life
I can't get away
from your ghost in the birdhouse

Go listen...

Current Mood: please leave me alone

...Sometimes I do...

But no...bad me, it's been a week since I posted last. Not like there is much to be said anyway. It was the first week of classes and I'm not going to lie, I'm beginning to mentally just check out at this point. I just couldn't care less about what is going on in my classes.

I have a probability class that you are supposed to have background knowledge in to understand the material he said, and I haven't taken any class. So the first day he was asking everyone all these "simple" probability questions where I just drooled from the mouth a little bit. My initial thought was, "my god, I am going to be so screwed!" until I realized I really don't care. So long as I get a D- in the class I pass, and that wont be that hard. Besides, I will study up on it when I feel like it. So...two weeks before finals.

But other than that I have 4 classes this semester and a fantastic class schedule. I have class from 9:30-1:45 straight on M,W and then a 5:00-6:15 class T, TH nights. Thus, like last year, there are only 2 days I have to force myself to get up. Which for my lazy ass is fantastic.

Speaking of lazy ass, I have gained several pound and am now back up to 170. I worked so hard to get to 160 again, too. Now my jeans don't fall off my waist anymore and it makes me sad that I'm getting bigger, but relieved since I forgot my belt at my sister's place last week.

I actually am having a short stint of social interaction this week as last night I hung out with Andrea, Jaclyn, and Phil and made due with what we had. While it was nothing spectacular, it was still enjoyable. Then tonight I will be going to Logan's house for a house party for the first time in ages. Those are what I miss. Smoke free, non-expensive alcohol, where we can freely interact with friends with out trying to deal with strangers and find a ride home. I'm hoping there wont be unnecessary drama that will erupt...but I know better than that. So I will do my best to get in my fun before fucktards ruin it all.

Anything else? Not really. It's been slow on this end and only about to get slower. While I am sad that my college career is coming to a close, I'm not sad to see this time fly by. It's boring and dull.

Can't wait to get out of here.

Current Mood: bored

I've been very inspired lately for some reason. Like I'm inspired to keep all my aspirations about my plans and all the smaller stuff I need to accomplish generally moving along.

Take like today. I finally sat down and got everything straight with the mathematical chair holder, my 571 math teacher, and my atmo teacher to figure out and finalize my declaration of my second major, waive my prerequisite issue, and capstones respectively. Thus I WILL (for sure now) be getting my double major in Basic Mathematics and I also got lucky enough with my capstones. I'm supposed to take two completely different capstones, one for Atmo Sci, and one in Mathematics, but the mathematical chair holder combined both into just one capstone. Thus a HELL of a lot less stress on me, knowing I only have one gigantic paper to write.

But beyond that I think reality just kind of hit me today...with actually having to sit down and deal with real world issues I have around me in my college career. I'm like, only now, just realizing that this IS my final semester in college. That's really damn scary to me. I've been riding my time in college to not really have to take "real world" responsibilities and use the fact that I'm in college as an excuse not to deal with things. Thus I'll be thrust into the real world and I actually have to deal with confrontation and people outside the college mindset...you know...fucking assholes. I'll actually have to start doing things on my own in terms of organizing and preparation for things that being in college doesn't cover (car, housing, etc.).

With this in mind, my brain is saying I need to milk this final semester for all it is worth. Do crazy things and make risky decisions as this will be the last time in my life that I can get away with so many things that later in life with have dire consequences. So I thought to myself, "I should make it a rule that I will not say 'no' to any proposition given to me about going out and having a good time." and I was actually feeling good about that decision and was pumped that I was going to be crazy again...

...until I literally stood up, where my body screamed, "sit the fuck back down, fatty!"

While I yearn for the days when I was crazy, drunk, and basically naked all the time, it really struck me that I can't do that anymore. I don't have the personal around me that would pull it off. It only works if they are willing and comfortable with themselves...and god knows everyone (save one iffy one) has those attributes. Don't get me wrong I'm not holding up a sign saying, 'we should be drunk and streaking around our college' but it was just that idea, that thrill, that piece of knowledge that I did do crazy things, that I did step way out of my comfort range and had fun...that I COULD do it...that I miss so much.

So I had the ambition to get up, get out there, and find these people again...before once again I physically stood up to fall instantly down to low blood sugar levels. There is no where I can go to find these people. It all happened by chance in the past. All encounters of meeting my friends happened at house parties when we were first in college. So I would have to go to Freshman/Sophomore house parties and pretend to fit in and be naive and obnoxious...all in pursuit of crazy friends? I think not. 23 dawns on me very soon and I just can't get away with that anymore. I remember first being in college and judging heavily on kids at parties I was at that were 23+ years old.

Thus instead of getting out there and doing something about all of this...I turned on my Wii and started playing Super Paper Mario. I was saving that game for a time when I felt alone and bored. God himself couldn't have picked a more sublime moment for its opening. Hence I played that for 3 hours and got lost in fantasy again. The only place I feel I belong anymore.

You know I did make efforts to at least try and feel happy again. I called up Bryan, who really is the only one left from my crazy days and quasi-participated in the nonsense, to play some rock band; like we used to do back in 'my prime'. We did get together twice this week all ready, and it did actually make me feel better.

But then I noticed the crowd again. It was just another different crowd. A different group of friends in that house. I want to say a 6th different clique that I would hang out with. There are just too many passing people in my life. I am yet to find a secure and constant companion or group. The closest I really have is Bryan (3 of 5 years), which is why I even called him in the first place.

The problem is that I know I'm not the only one experiencing this. I've heard this expressed in Marc and Amanda after they moved to North Carolina, basically saying they have made friends, but not any good friends (unless they are just saying that to appease my somber state), I know for a solid fact that  Davey is facing this right now, not finding one single friend . Bryan is also to a varying degree in the fact that he doesn't have a constant either. I know life takes us all in different directions, but it's just a shame to know that there is separation.

Once again I express the three main things hurting my friendship situation: shyness in strangers plus confidence issues, location (Milwaukee) and transport, and age (and yes, age does actually play a role now). Three things weighing down on my sad, sad situation.

I want things to be okay, but I know they wont be for a while now. I want to go out and find some friends, but it wont happen in this final semester...

I want things to be the way they were...

...but I know time killed that chance.

Onward into my final semester of college. Oh what have I become? Dull and listless. A sign of outstaying a welcome in college.

Current Mood: listless

I will be writing two distinct journal posts. This will describe the plane rides and the weather. The other will touch upon different topics.

(Note version): If there was ever a sign that said, "Marc, you are not supposed to fly" this trip was the epitome and amplified the crap out of it. What a fiasco. Complete ridiculousness.

Here is a preemptive. 3 of the 6 planes I ended up boarding on my way to and from Florida had issues with the plane and never got airborne or had to make an emergency landing. Countless hours wasted and extra days in Florida.

First thing to know about me is that I HATE flying. There is nothing I like and honestly found out is really the only "real" thing that I am actually scared of. So boarding our plane in Milwaukee Last Monday on our way to Florida, I was all ready a nervous wreck. We made it down to the runway, needed to deice, and then time for take off. We take off and get airborne. Well, my first concern is that I get motion sickness very easily and figured that it would be an issue. On the ascent, I got very dizzy and all most passed out. I figured it was my motion sickness. Then we reach cruising altitude and the pilot comes on saying that they will dispatch refreshments. I'm feeling a bit better now that the take off is over but still a bit shaky. Then this happened basically out of nowhere:



There was some slight chatter on the plane, and as soon as this happened, it went dead silent. It's safe to say that I was just panicking on the inside. My heart was beating a million miles an hour. There were two things that did not help the situation at all: One being the flight attendant's face. It went from kind of annoyed, 'not wanting to serve drinks to these idiots' to complete deer-in-the-headlights. Just stonewalled. The other thing that made this horrible is that NO BODY ON THE FLIGHT TOLD US ANYTHING FOR LIKE 3 SOLID MINUTES.

That feeling I got...just that feeling, was easily the worst feeling I've ever experienced. I never want to feel it again. It was that feeling of, 'holy fuck...this is it. I'm literally going to die." My mind started racing and literally thought about different people and things I have done and was yet to do.

Finally the pilot came on and said something like, "We're aware that the oxygen masks did deploy...don't put them on, and please remain calm and seated...there seems to be something wrong with a pressure valve and the cabin is not pressurizing correctly. We're going to have to turn around and land back in Milwaukee."

We stayed in the air 30 minutes before we finally touched back down. I'm shaking like a 3 year old child. They have us board another plane...which is exactly what I wanted to do...get back on a fucking plane...the pilot comes on and says something about the incident and that they weren't expecting to use this plane today. Well we sat there...and sat there...and sat there...and finally 45 minutes later...an announcement comes on explaining that THIS PLANE WAS HAVING A VALVE PROBLEM AS WELL and we would have to deboard and board ANOTHER plane.

This has all happened before we even got out of Milwaukee going to Florida. Well we get on a third plane and finally take off and that went well. I was as scared as a person could be and my nerves were completely shot. We were supposed to have a 3 hour layover in Atlanta, but because of this ordeal, the second we landed, we scrambled to board another plane. All went well with that and we finally landed in West Palm Beach, Florida.

The weather there was unseasonably cool, but still in the 50s. We ended up staying in a condo right on the ocean front with Maggie's grandparents. It was a bit cramped but we made do.

The vacation consisted of us lying out in the sun, sitting around on the balcony listening to my iPod, swimming in the outdoor swimming pool on the property (as I am allergic to the salt in the ocean) a lot.

I had a very nice time and it was very relaxing and pleasant. Maggie's grandparents were very nice. The warm weather, the sea breeze, being able to be outside in nothing but shorts in January is always wonderful.

Well the 5 days just flew passed, and it was time to go back to Milwaukee. We had to get up at 5:30am (4:30am central) to catch our flight back to Milwaukee. We get to the airport and board our plane. Everything is looking good, I'm still very nervous, and the pilot comes on...

and wouldn't you fucking believe it? THIS PLANE HAD A VALVE PROBLEM. 3. THREE fucking planes I boarded had valve problems. Being a smaller airport, they had nothing else for the day and the valve needed to be replaced. Only problem is that the part was somewhere else. A different city. Atlanta I believe. So we had to deboard the plane and sort out how we were going to get home. Sitting around in the god damn terminal for 8+ hours we finally arranged it that we would leave the next day out of a different airport that would be a direct flight back to Milwaukee...instead of switching in Atlanta. Because we had to completely alter our flight times and such, we did get free round trip tickets to anywhere we want to go for free. I'll actually end up using that (if I find the courage to even attempt flying again) to go see David out in L.A.

It just so happened that Maggie's mother and brother were actually arriving in the airport that same day, so we stuck around and waited for them to touch down and we all went back to her grandparent's place again.

Well this time Our flight didn't leave until 6:45pm and we got to lounge around for basically two more days. We got there, and this time everything went nice and smooth. In fact, the flight itself only took something like 2 hours and 30 minutes.

I was never happier to be on the ground again after all of this. I just...am not suppose to fly.

But now I'm home in the cold and snow...and bleh. 

I just wanted to point out something here. Great series and great shows are supposed to invoke a lot of feelings and emotions out of a person if you really want everything out of watching it in the first place.

EVEN MORE SO when you know that said series is ending, or rather has a set limit.

Well I just experienced that first hand big time. I've been watching a series here that really, the episodes only comes out once every 3 weeks or so. There are 50 total episodes and I just finished watching number 47.

When you got a great story line, great character development, added with the fact that the series is on one of your favorite things of all time...it had better be worth the hours and hours you put into watching the damn thing.

Marvelous. Serious spectacular. I mean...I'm not a physically emotional guy at all. I don't get scared during scary movies, I rarely RARELY cry and not only that, cry when people are around me...and especially not when watching movies...

and yet I found myself in tears after watching that. Now THAT is some powerful writing and shit. THAT is what watching series should be all about.

The point is...if whatever you are watching, and investing tooooons of fucking time in isn't making you ultra emotional outside your actual emotional boundaries...you are wasting your time.

Here's hoping you cry and scream over these stupid series. Only then, is it really worth watching.

...god dammit, that was fucking good...

Only 3 left ;_;

Ahhh yes, the time has finally come for my Florida adventure for a work week's length. It should be extremely relaxing but most importantly: warm. Oh so very warm. While it has been cold recently in Florida, that will change in the polar opposite as I am, after all, a meteorologist and knows these kinds of things.

While I really don't have any idea just where we will be, I am just excited to be going. Our flight leaves here tomorrow at 2:30 only to be laid over in Atlanta for 3 hours. Hurray. We should finally touch down in Florida around 9:30.

I plan to do a whole lot of nothing and just spend the majority of my time (if at all possible) just being lazy and soaking up the sun near the beach.

There is only one down side to this, and that is that I will most likely fall way behind on sleep as apparently Maggie's grandparents are up (and loud) come 6 in the morning. I am a super light sleeper and the slightest noises will wake me up. I hope to catch plenty of cat naps out in the sun to help rectify this.

The only other problem is the whole plane thing. I'm not exactly comfortable in riding in them as I get motion sickness very easily. I hope to fall to sleep on the plane, but I just don't see that happening.

It will be fun and oh so very refreshing to be away from the cold for a while. Plus after it is done, I get a solid week off to do absolutely nothing again before my final semester starts up. It's going to be a very interesting (not necessarily fun) last semester and I know it will just fly by.

Anyway, wish me luck that I am in a "good" travel state physically...or this is going to be down right painful.

Peace

Current Mood: content

I can't STAND IT. Always knowing that your best friend will always adhear to a higher power...their significant other. Always being left in the dust if their lover tells them to do so.

It's sickening! Mostly because I'm always the one looking in! BAAAAAAH! I just want my friends to be intact and in one piece and actually not call it quits when we are in the middle of having fun.

You're whipped like an ass's behind
'cause when it came to having fun we sure had a hell of a time
But ever since he came along, you haven't been any fun
But I guess that's what happens when your friends fall in love,
It's just some more god damned bullshit we have to rise above...

Makes for some good lyric writing though. People just need to keep pissing me off or ripping me apart! It's gold I tell you! Gold!

Current Mood: pissed off

So here it is once again, and for some reason this one came up much quicker than all others in the past. A sign of getting older? Most likely. Here's my little schpeel I give on every New Years Eve post from all posts' past: I basically sum up the year looking at all the different aspects in my life, compare it to the years previous, look at my last year's resolutions and see how I did, then end it by making new ones. So with out any further adieu, I give you 2009's version:

( Loss )


That covers the loss portion and will lead into the enlightenment portion:

( Enlightenment )



Enough realization bullshit, let's take a look at my love life:

( Love )


This post is getting gigantic. Let's cut to the chase. Last years new year’s resolutions:

( Last Year's Resolutions )
Thus my love life truly sucks and we went 2 of 4 on last year's resolutions. Not a winning season, not a losing season...so...just last year. Ha-ha. Basically the same results too.

Now to the main event, my 2010 New Year's Resolutions:

( 2010 Resolutions )

so there you have it. The ridiculously long and probably error and grammar mistake filled post that I wont go and look over as it is way too long. I'm just going to clean it up and bid this year a good by.

A final thought: While I don't like where I am right now in this ending of the year, I'd like to think that this year really was a good year. Yes I lost both Davey and Bryan, but I got to spend time with each of them that I'll never get back. I did a lot of soul searching and a lot of sporadic things that will have me looking back on and smiling. While my love life is in shambles, I'm not giving up hope (just yet). I will eventually find some one, and if not, I'll have extra time to work on other things around me.

This passing year needs to happen, but if next year could slow down, it would be greatly appreciated. We are all getting older and older, and seeing the carefree days of our youths being punched aside. I refuse to let it go with out a fight as it is one good thing I can literally hold at night in this shitty world.

You can only hope for better days and brighter tomorrows as the sun set again on what is my second full decade.

Peace. Love. Joy.

I figure I would update as it has been a while. This Christmas marked one of my first Christmases that I didn't post! But no, I had a lot going on between Christmas and seeing friends whom I wont see in a long time.

It was a very nice and surprising Christmas this year. I ended up getting a lot of cool things that I didn't think I would get. Nostalgia is always huge on my "like" list, so it was nice getting some oddities and goodies of that nature.

But beyond that, there are two reasons I am writing right now. One being that I don't have anything to do right now at work as I am waiting for an order to get changed, but that isn't interesting.

The second thing is this fact: Every single time I read the news, I get either angry or depressed. Sitting here at work, I have little to do, so news is one of the few things I can look at that isn't blocked on the internet. It's just annoying to hear people bitching about this or bitching about that. Granted there are a lot of things that aren't right in this world today, my biggest pet peeve is that no one any more is happy with what they have.

Like the biggest thing that comes to mind is that no one is willing to sacrafice anything for the better good. Like this health reform. You have these very well to do families who cry and complain about having to take a stab at their wallet so a family who is living from paycheck to paycheck can get a little relief. It's depressing and oh so sad.

I firmly believe in the saying, "Be greatful for what you all ready have". I don't need anything more in terms of materialistic possessions. For me it comes down to morals and drive as an individual to do what I want. Prime example is my music career. I'll do everything in my power to be happy doing something for the rest of my life. I have said this time and time again, I don't care what kind of money I make. If I'm making millions and millions of dollars or just barely keeping my head above the water with small paychecks, sacraficing things to get by...but doing the thing I love...It doesn't matter.

I just want to be happy with what I can do, not with what I could have. While it would be nice to have a nice big home, comfortable lifestyle where I never have to worry about next months rent or whatever...it is NOT necessary. I'm happy with living in general. So why does everyone else need all these useless things?

I dunno. I was brought up to always help individuals around me who need help (just think of all the help I gave Bryan), and be kind to people around me without losing my temper unless pushed straight over the edge.

It's a very sad world we live in and I really don't want any part of it as a whole. I'd rather just surround myself with individuals who just "get it" and are not out to take the world. No one has earned or deserves anything, as we are all created the exact same way, just under different circumstances.

With just one life to live, I want to live it for what it's worth, not for how much it's worth.

Sorry.

Current Mood: annoyed

A final GPA of 3.734. Not too shabby considering I figured I was going to get somewhere around a 3.3. Here is the break down:

Atmosphereic Thermodynamics: A
Mesoscale Circulations: B
Introduction into Mathematical Language and Proofs: A
Air Pollution Meteorology: A
Linear Algebra: A-

So what a wonderful holiday present to myself. In a great mood to say the least. Now Christmas Day is around the corner and I get new stuff to play with. Huzzah!

Current Mood: ecstatic